Returning

Tiny baby steps are the only way out. The only way out of a depressive episode is to take the tiniest steps back to yourself. 

It doesn’t make sense, this hazy shuffle; it shouldn’t work, it doesn’t feel like it will work. But it does, every time. Ev​ery time I’ve been willing or able to make this shuffle, it’s like the sun is rising. It happens slowly, almost imperceptible ​and then all at once the light bursts through. 

I’m grateful that the light has begun to burst through; and I’m grateful for gratitude. You don’t realize how important it is to be able to see the things for which you are grateful until you can’t access it. Like this peaceful scene; three weeks ago, I would have felt nothing. Not disdain, not delight, just nothing. But this past weekend, when I sat reading a book with my coffee and pups, I could feel light bursting through. I could feel pinpricks of delight in my whole being. I could experience gratitude, and not because I was reaching and clawing my way back to myself, but because I am returning to myself.