The agonizing self-realizer goes to San Fran!

About a month ago, I posted about how I often let the odds stack against me and don’t go after things. Specifically a career shift manifesting itself in a community organizing residency, which at the time I had just scheduled a phone interview. Well the phone interview went well, and I got invited to San Francisco to an in-person group interview…and I’m heading there tomorrow. 

I’ve been more than blown away by how this process has unfolded. More than anything, I am grateful for what I’ve learned about myself…even though there are weaknesses I’d rather not face, I firmly believe that it’s good to know yourself….dark corners and all.

I’ve been fairly nervous about this whole thing…mostly because I really want it. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted an opportunity as much as I want this one. That’s scary and hard for me to admit, but there you go internets. 

I’ve been mentally spazing out, though there have been moments of peace. I have a tendency, especially when it comes to jobs or tasks to do or be what someone wants. This whole process has been an exercise in forcing myself to present myself, not an altered version that might fight better. 

In all of my anxious running around, I was also offered a job in Arizona…I didn’t love it, but it was a sure thing. I spent exactly 6 and a half days agonizing over this. They needed an answer by today, but this interview isn’t till Sunday. I weighed, measured, played devil’s advocate, until last night it came clear that I should say no to AZ. It was a lot of people saying a lot of things, but something that really struck me last night was the question: “If San Francisco wasn’t an option, would you accept AZ?” My initial response was yes, but only because it would be the only offer on the table. The idea being, would AZ be good enough? I didn’t realize until later that having these two things take place at the same time not only caused me a lot of grief, but also, I now understand that I can do this for real. I can seek to make communities have real community through my faith….I don’t have to sell out. I am driven to this by my faith, by the narrative I ascribe to, and I want to be able to live that out fully. I’m grateful that I have learned this.

Sunday, I have an all day long group interview. I was worrying about that tonight as I was packing my bags. What are we going to do for 6-7 hours?!? How am I going to be able to talk to strangers about this? Am I going to have to design a community program that I would implement in the inner city of Oakland? Am I going to have to give an exegesis on my faith? Probably not…but those last two are highly likely, honestly.

Then a thought hit me…I LIKE talking to people about their faith and how it plays catalyst to their actions; I love sitting with strangers and having a conversation about how their narrative came to be, and I could honestly do it for hours. Then the clouds of my anxious Type A personality broke and I realized that I’m doing this for a reason, it is something that I love and want to spend my time doing..suck it up and accept that you can not control the variables in this one.

If nothing else, I’ll get to go to California spend all day Sunday with a bunch of Muslims, Christians, and Jews who will likely be my friends by the end of the day, and that sounds kind of wonderful. 

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