Commitment. It is not the concept of commitment alone that terrifies me, the word alone can do that to me. If you’ve ever studied psychology, then you understand a few things that most other people don’t get: depression is not a fleeting feeling, everyone’s got some kind of issue, and the word ‘phobia’ is terribly misused.
A phobia is an intense, irrational fear…not just a dislike of something. I have this irrational response to two things: heights (or percieved height) and closed in spaces. Theses are fairly common phobias. I was trying to explain what happens when this irrational response kicks in to someone who doesn’t experience such things and it was for not. I usually have a panic attack if I don’t remove myself from the situation soon enough.
I have a similar reaction to commitment. This seems to go beyond normal fear of commitment, not wanting to get married or remain in long term serious relationships. When a commitment that involves me comes up in a conversation my heart starts pounding, I get dizzy, and usually feel an overwhelming sense of pressure, that is to say if I don’t remove myself from the situation soon enough, or just flat out avoid it.
My friend Ann Marie, who has one of the best blog titles posted a quote about commitment, I re-blogged it the other day, but here it is again. “Fear of commitment is a barrier to life.” That is striking. I’m not sure how to get over this phobia, but it needs to happen soon, my life needs to be lived.