I’m just not good at this.

There are lots of things that I do well, asking or receiving of things is not one of them. I’m independent to a fault and I typically feel like receiving things should make me feel guilty. Tumblr, however, has become my stream of conscious… except I get to share it with everyone (even the lurkers). Since I don’t ask for things well, I’ll just awkwardly say, if you guys pray, could you send some my way? Or thoughts, or kind vibes, or a Native American soul dance of some sort? 

Without going into details that may make you squirm, I’ve been having some health problems with my heart and something in my uterus that I’ve named Igor. I think everything is fine (and I never realized how much I used that phrase until I had to constantly reaffirm myself and others that I am in fact going to make it). Igor is causing pain, some anemia, and just overall stress. I’m not sure what’s up with my heart, but it ain’t actin’ right. (I think it’s anxiety.) Anyway, I go to the doc tomorrow about that. I’ve also come to realize that one of the most anxiety inducing questions is ‘what do you have to be anxious about?’….because usually I don’t really have a good reason—but that’s what’s troubling. It’s like my fight or flight trigger is off the hook or something. Speaking of which, I could also use some ‘calm down’ vibes, while you’re at it.

Also, yesterday my car suffered it’s death on Interstate 40. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about it. It’s overwhelming….and I also tend to moralize things that have no moral value and tend to feel guilty about morally unimportant events. 

In general, it’s just been a rough past nine months. Both of my parents have been in the ICU, Igor, anxiety, and I’m not happy in my job. It’s been a lot to emotionally process…and I’m just not great at letting myself experience emotions (or sharing them)…then they all bubble up to the top while you’re stranded on the side of the Interstate having a simultaneous emotional breakdown while your car physically breaks down, but it’s kind of nice because it’s that moment when you finally realize you don’t have control.

Thanks for your reading and your goodness. Especially the lurkers….everyone knows lurkers have the best goodness to send.

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