Nothing in this world will make your life consistently harder than being committed to showing up fully, to refuse to numb and to retreat into a secluded world that narrows with each drink. And when I tell you that I’m grateful every day for the difficulty, it is true. I’m grateful for the the harsh realities, for the moments where all I wanted to do was to opt out of feeling just for a little bit, but chose not to live toward the next hour or day or week, but to orient myself to who I want to be. Not using the crutches that I once needed get through, but rather leaning on my own created goodness; relying on myself and who I am becoming.
For two years I have remained sober, and I cannot overstate enough how those two years feel like true and absolute freedom. I will never lie to someone discerning sobriety and say that it is easy, but I also cannot fully express the joy that comes knowing that I can do this life without the thing that I once needed or wanted or just liked to have around.
Because I am sober, I have to feel the complexities of this world in a way I never did when I was drinking, but on this anniversary, I also get to feel the beautiful complexities of feeling empowered, grateful, and strong.